The sum of who I am today...

Do you ever wake up with a realization about something, or feel like you had a download or clarity around something that you haven’t been able to figure out? 

I get this at times, usually about something random or insignificant…but still knowing it came from somewhere deep within my own subconscious mind while I was sleeping.

This morning I woke up feeling a certain clarity about my life. It was an unfamiliar feeling of contentment, like I had finally arrived somewhere.

I was afraid to go back to sleep, that I would forget these thoughts and lose this clarity and message that I received, so I got out of bed to write this out (it’s 4a.m.) 

It may sound simple, but what I understand so clearly is that the happiness I’ve been seeking my whole life isn’t out there waiting to be discovered.

The contentment and fulfillment that I didn't even realize I was seeking, is literally within me.

It was never about  the new job or business venture.

It was never reaching a certain weight or size of clothing that was going to make me happy.

Nor was it ever another person that would make me feel complete, or worthy at this deepest level.

What I was seeking all along was validation and approval FROM MYSELF!

I was seeking the unconditional kind of love that I give so freely to everyone else.

Not….'I’ll love you WHEN'....

When I achieve a certain goal. When I look a certain way. When I get it all right.

But now. Just as I am. In all my imperfections.. No more judgment. No conditions or expectations. 

Just as I am.

It feels like coming home.

It feels peaceful.

I feel like I can finally stop searching and chasing.

Even though this awareness is new, I know exactly how I got here.

I got here by building a new relationship with myself.

I got here by showing up for myself and finally honoring commitments that I have made to ME. 

I have built this new relationship without judgment or blame and without shame.

It is built with compassion.

I finally let go of perfectionism. 

Through practice, I now live my life with a newfound discipline.

A discipline that honors my goals, my body and mySELF in the highest way.

There are plenty of days that I am unable to give 100% and I still pat myself on the back and feel proud of the effort I gave.

I have stopped doing things that make me feel bad about myself. 

Drinking is on the short list. I have a drink or two on occasion, but I no longer abuse my body with alcohol. Because I want to wake up every day with clarity and feeling productive and healthy. 

I don’t want to waste any more days.

Nor do I don't want to risk my long term health in ways that I have seen shorten the lives of loved ones.

I have decided to end the generational ‘norm’ of substance abuse that I grew up with in hopes that my daughters choose to live with clarity and sobriety, honoring their body and health.

This didn’t just happen.

I got here by doing intentional work.

I have built a relationship with MYSELF by getting quiet and tuning into my thoughts.

Realizing that I have allowed old beliefs and untruths to keep me in a place of feeling unworthy and shame. 

I started challenging old thoughts and beliefs that I have carried like a weight my whole life.

I learned that just because I think these thoughts doesn’t mean that they are true. 

I spent years accepting these old negative thought patterns as MY TRUTH.

I started telling myself NEW truths and building myself up instead of beating myself down.

I started telling myself a new story.

A story of courage and effort.

A story that I did my best with what I knew at the time.

A story that I CAN AND I WILL.

A story that I am strong and capable.

The decisions I started making came from this new place of forgiveness, belief and possibility.

MY LIFE TODAY IS A RESULT OF MY THOUGHTS AND BELIEFS ABOUT ME.

I am taking action and moving forward in my life based on what I know is possible.

I make decisions now based on what honors me in the best and highest way, in all the ways.

No more perfectionism.

Just love, compassion and encouragement to be better than I was yesterday.

It will always be me vs me, and I wake up every morning with excitement and openness to learning new things and finding new ways to challenge myself.

If you feel stuck or unsettled in your life…

If you are always searching for something outside of yourself that is going to be the ‘next thing’ that you think will make you happy, just know that you have it all within you.

Spend time with you.

Reflecting and TUNE IN to your thoughts and beliefs about YOU.

What are the stories you tell yourself? Are they true? 

Are you even listening?

Have you challenged the thoughts that aren’t serving you? 

Thoughts create feelings, and the action we take (or don’t take) in life stems from these feelings.

How is your relationship with you?

Are you showing up for yourself and doing the things you said you would do?

Work on building trust back with yourself.

Start treating yourself like you would treat your best friend.

With encouragement, love and compassion for all that you have been through and how hard life can be at times.

And challenge yourself! 

Do the things you promised yourself you would do!

Start taking care of this vessel that God gave you to get through this one life. 

No one can want it for you and no one can do it for you.

It’s all within you.

Create and design the life you want. With discipline, effort and compassion.

Stop waiting.

One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that we have time.